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When we think of romantic partnership, closeness and intimacy often come to mind first. While these are essential aspects of healthy relationships, you may not realize there is something else that can be just as vital: personal space. In the excitement of new love, the idea of spending time apart may seem counterproductive to relationship growth. Yet, maintaining personal space is crucial not only for individuals but for the health and longevity of the relationship.
Why Personal Space is Vital
Individual Identity
Personal space allows each partner to maintain their own identity rather than morphing into each other’s. By having time apart, each person can pursue their passions and interests. Individual personal growth often enhances the relationship.
Without personal space, you risk becoming overly involved and dependent in your relationship. Spending time apart allows you to experience life outside of your partner, giving you fresh things to share when you come back together.
Prevents Enmeshment
Personal space is a protective measure that prevents enmeshment, which can be damaging to relationships. Each partner can learn to regulate their emotions, preventing an unhealthy dynamic where one person feels responsible for the other’s emotional state.
Personal space encourages both people to find validation within themselves rather than relying on their partner for approval and self-worth. When each person has room to breathe, it provides an opportunity to deepen a secure attachment within the relationship, knowing that they are always loved by one another without being with each other all the time.
Reduces Conflict
Too much time together without breaks can lead to feelings of irritability and unnecessary conflicts. A little space allows for tensions to defuse before tension escalates into heated arguments. Time apart can give both partners time to cool off, practice regulating emotions, and coming back to a place of center.
Perhaps you've noticed that being in close proximity for too long leads to increased bickering over small things. Creating intentional space in the relationship, so that you can independently focus on what you enjoy or are passionate about, helps to keep these minor frustrations in check.
Additionally, alone time allows for personal reflection and introspection, allowing each person to cultivate mindfulness around how they want to show up as a partner.
Increases Desire
Spending time apart increases excitement and appreciation for your partner. The colloquialism - absence makes the heart grow fonder - may be spot on in this context. Time apart creates an opportunity to miss your person and feel excited about seeing them again.
When each partner has their own interests or agendas, it brings new energy into the relationship that can prevent boredom. Distance can intensify romantic and sexual attraction by including element of mystery.
Psychotherapist, New York Times best selling author, and relationship expert Esther Perel explores in her book - Mating in Captivity - the dance between desire and intimacy and how too much closeness in a relationship can extinguish desire. Working out the right balance of closeness and passion for your relationship is key for fanning the flames of desire for each other.
Encourages Self-Care
Taking time for yourself is a form of self-care that benefits both partners. Alone time provides opportunities to engage in physical activities such as exercising, taking classes, or resting.
In order to manage stress, anxiety, or emotional overwhelm, sometimes being alone is needed. It allows you to reset your mental state and return with a clear head. Taking control of your time and space promotes a sense of empowerment, enhancing overall self-esteem.
Before we conclude this section on the importance of space in a relationship and move onto HOW to make it happen, there are a couple of caveats that must be mentioned.
First: You and your partner may have different needs regarding space. You may be okay with a little; your partner may flourish with more. Some of this variance may be due to personality (for example: introversion versus extroversion) or how mentally taxing one's job is or one's sensitivity to sensory overload.
Second: Our needs for time apart may, in part, be influenced by our attachment style. Without going into too much detail about the attachment science, here is what you need to know:
We have evolved as a species to develop physical and emotional bonds with another in order to survive. And depending on the quality of the attachments that were formed when we were young, we learn a certain way to be in relationship. We are so very astute as little children, taking in all the data from parent-child, sibling-sibling, friend-friend, and teacher-student relationships to form a (likely unconscious) mental roadmap for emotional safety with others.
Some of us learn to fear abandonment and feel the most safe and secure when we are in close proximity with those to whom we have a close bond.
Others learn it is not safe to depend on anyone and quickly default to withdrawing from others to feel the most safe and secure.
Upon reading this brief summary on attachment styles, one can deduce with a fair amount of ease how one's preferred attachment style can have an effect on one's need for space. When reflecting on your individual needs for personal space, be curious with each other about your unique needs profile and do ask yourself how much of your preference for personal space is weighted by anxiety or avoidance.
How to Incorporate Personal Space
Communicate Openly
Discuss the need for personal space with your partner in a way that emphasizes its importance for the longevity of the relationship. Make sure you are clear that it is not about dissatisfaction or problems within the relationship but more so for the overall health of the partnership.
Create Agreements
Co-create and maintain agreements that allow each partner the time and space they need. This can be as simple as setting specific times throughout the day or week when you have alone time.
Encourage Individual Interests
Support each other in pursuing hobbies, outside friendships, and personal goals.
Schedule Personal Time
Actively set aside time each week for both partners to engage in their own activities, whether it’s a solo walk, reading, or dinner with friends.
Seek Professional Help
It can be difficult to incorporate personal space if it is something you are not used to or if it makes you feel anxious to even consider it. Given the complexity of relationship, seeking guidance from a couples therapist may be helpful in learning how to include personal space in your relationship effectively. To find out more about couples therapy or to schedule your first session today, please call or text 317-747-0574, visit our contact page, or book your first session now.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this blog is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional psychological care, professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.