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Some of us grew up in homes where the adults of our family handled conflict with a lot of intensity: shouting, name calling, blaming, throwing things, threats, etc. And some of us grew up in homes with the opposite – we didn’t see the adults in our family fighting or arguing…almost as if there was no conflict. Neither approach is necessarily healthy, but whichever approach we were exposed to tends to be the approach we use in our romantic relationship. Or we do the exact opposite in reaction to how scary or how empty we felt when witnessing the way our parents fought with each other.
In many ways, our early experiences of family dynamics become our internalized template for what is “normal,” which our brains then equate to “acceptable.” Short of us getting really curious about what works and what doesn’t work in relationship and intentionally updating these internalized roadmaps for relationship, we will perpetuate either what we saw or its opposite.
There’s always a third option, though. Our built-in programming does not automatically update each time a better, more efficient way is identified. We have to search for the update, learn the update, and implement the update, over and over again until it becomes second nature. It’s not easy, even though we all wish it were.
In an earlier blog, we covered what NOT TO DO during conflict. Here, we will discuss what TO DO to deal with conflict better. And since there are so many helpful things you can do to manage conflict productively, we will cover just two gems in this post:
The Gentle Start-Up
The Most Generous Interpretation
The Gentle Start-Up
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, relationship experts, get the credit for this one. The key to understanding the magic of a gentle start-up is this:
Within every complaint or criticism, there is a longing or need
that is present and needs to be expressed.
If we can first sit with our complaint or our criticism and get curious about the longing or need within it, then a plan to get that need met very well might emerge.
Another important aspect of a gentle start-up is that we are expressing a need in a positive manner. So, we could say, “You never spend time with me,” which would be negative. Or we could say, “I want to spend more time with you,” which would be positive. Although we are conditioned to state what is absent or what is not working, it is much more effective to state what we need or want.
Let’s explore a scenario…you have started to notice your partner scrolling on their phone alot and you are getting irritated. Your tendency for “coping” with this feeling of disconnection has been to criticize your partner, to point out their flaws, to tell them everything they are doing wrong.
But, you’ve also committed to doing relationship differently. And you want to try a different way. Just as a heads up, you’ll have to stay very committed to that path, because your partner might start to feel a little off balance as you begin to incorporate healthier ways of interacting.
This time, you wait…you wait to get clear on what you are really feeling…and on what you are really needing from your partner…and then as soon as there is a smidge of a good opening, you begin like this:
“Hey. I love you. You’re wonderful. And I’ve been missing you and really need to feel more connected. Let’s have a date night soon or to take a walk together and reconnect.”
You started with reassurance and kindness AND you shared a positive need. This is a Gentle Start-Up.
This formula, over time, will work! But initially, if you’ve tended to lead with criticism, you may still get a defensive reaction from your partner…take a deep breath…it will take time and consistency, and possibly even a third party (aka, marriage therapist) to work through these bumps, but you can design a new interaction pattern that leads to each of you feeling heard and understood and getting more of your needs met.
The Most Generous Interpretation
Dr. Becky at Good Inside suggests that, in all relationships, think of the most generous interpretation of someone’s behavior. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of thinking the worst of everyone, personalizing others’ behavior, and believing we are being targeted.
Why do we do this? There are so many reasons.
Perhaps a most generous interpretation of why we have this propensity is
because our nervous system is watching out for threats and sometimes
our nervous system is a little too on guard because in the past
we have been hurt by people who loved us.
Give yourself compassion when you notice you are thinking the least generous interpretation of your partner. And then try to shift your thinking. Become as curious as you can about the very good reasons why your partner may do something.
If you cannot come up with this on your own – and yes, sometimes our partner’s behavior is just baffling – then try posing a gentle question like this to your partner:
“I know you have a good reason for doing this, but I’m not sure what it is. Can you share with me why you said this or did this?”
And then pause. Just wait. Give them time to reflect, and be open to the reasons they share.
Most often, we are all trying our best. Trying to juggle so many tasks, responsibilities, and roles. And most often, our partner isn’t intentionally trying to make our lives more difficult. There are exceptions to this, for instance, if you are in an abusive relationship. And if this is the case, then please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support and guidance.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
To chat: thehotline.org
To text: Text "START" to 88788
To call: 1-800-799-7233
Seeking Professional Help: Working with a skilled couples therapist can help you learn and practice the tools needed to feel more connected to your partner. To find out more about couples therapy, please visit our contact page.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this blog is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional psychological care, professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.